Divorced Parents: The Way It Should Be

It takes a lot to surprise me as a therapist.

Clients have told me that they’d like to give their adopted children back. Children have told me how they help cover up their parent’s addictions. Once, a school psychologist even insisted that a well-behaved child should go to a special behavioral school because the psychologist didn’t like a former diagnosis in the child’s school files.

But this session . . .

“We’re divorced, and we’d like to make sure that we’re doing the right things as parents of our kids,” the father said. “That’s why we came to see you.”

Okay, that one surprised me.

Here’s how it normally goes when divorced parents come in for family therapy:

“He abused me.”

“She’s a controlling harpy.”

“He checked out the babysitter.”

“She’s poisoning the children against me.”

“Why does he have to drink in front of the kids?”

“Who’s that stranger trying to act like a father to my children?”

“The problem is him!”

“The problem is her!”

Those are the things I expect. In fact, my family therapy mentor, Dr. Gil Greene of The Ohio State University, likes to say that family therapists will always have job security as long as there’s divorce. But the couple in my office continued to surprise me.

“I agree,” the mother said. “He’s a good father, but we struggle sometimes with knowing if we’re doing any damage to the kids. We hope that you can help guide us through that.”

So nobody wants to call anybody a name? Nobody wants to threaten anyone? Nobody wants to use the children as a way to attack the other parent? What was I supposed to do with this . . . this . . . cooperation? It was all I could do to keep from breaking into a therapeutic happy dance.

This couple should be the norm, not the exception, but that’s just not easy to do. People who break up often can’t stand each other. They often feel varying degrees of hate for the other parent, and it’s hard to see good qualities in someone that you actively loathe.

Of course, kids suffer in these situations. They feel torn between their parents. They feel like the breakup is their fault. They feel anger that they don’t really understand but that they have no trouble expressing. And if Mom or Dad happens to start dating someone else, well, heaven help them all.

So I smiled at the couple, thanked the therapy gods for sending me two people who wanted to put the children first, and thanked them for coming in.

“I’m guessing you’re co-parenting better than you think you are,” I said, “just because you’re so determined to do the right things by your kids. Tell me about the things that you’re doing that seem to be working . . .”

I didn’t see that couple for long. They were indeed doing a lot of things well, and my job was just to help them tweak a few things along with helping them develop confidence in themselves as parents. After a couple of sessions, they really didn’t need to keep seeing me. I could fill their time slot with another set of parents looking for help.

“Their dad’s an alcoholic loser who never worked a day in his life,” the mom said at the start of my first session with the new family. “I hope the court never lets him see the kids again.”

Ah. That’s what I’m used to hearing. Time to get to work . . .

(Carl Grody, LISW-S, specializes in child, adolescent, and family therapy. He’s also a trained group leader in the Incredible Years parenting program. His private practice, Grody Family Counseling, is located in Worthington, Ohio. For questions or to make an appointment with Carl, call 614-477-5565.)

So Now You’re the “Bad Guy” — Dealing with Teenagers

I see a lot of angst in my job. It comes with the territory when you do family therapy. But sometimes, the turmoil is simply caused by the passage of time. It seems like such an innocent thing because it happens to everyone, but eventually, children become teenagers.

(How many parents out there just gulped?)

Let’s face it, the teenaged years throw even the most prepared and flexible parents for a loop. Your kids seem to completely change. One day, they’re trying to be like you and make you happy; the next day, they’re saying they hate you and you’re the worst parent evvvvvvvvvver. (If you haven’t heard a teenager drag out a word to make a point about how “lame” you are, just wait – it’s going to happen.)

Parents, you’re not going through this alone. Many parents feel disconnected from their teens because the relationship changes so dramatically, and they don’t understand why. Simply put, it’s a teenager’s job developmentally to create their personality separate from their parents. They pull away from parents because they’re supposed to pull away from parents.

They still need you, of course. Teens need rules and boundaries as much as when they were younger. In fact, three-year-olds and teens are a lot alike. Watch a three-year-old at the park; he’s happy playing, but he also glances over to make sure Mom or Dad is there. He knows they’ll protect him – for example, they won’t let him run into the street – so he feels safe when they’re around. Teens look to parents for the same thing, but they’re operating in a much bigger “park.” They still want and need parents to be in charge, but they’re not going to thank parents for the effort. In fact, teens are likely to rebel against it while knowing intuitively it’s exactly what they need. Deep down, they see consistent rules and boundaries as proof that you still love them.

At the same time, teens also need enough freedom to explore the world around them, how it works, and who they are in it. Teens need to make mistakes so they can learn lessons. They need to experience success as a result of their own efforts. And they need to develop relationships separate from the family. Parents often feel threatened, even rejected, when teens invest so much effort into friends, but it’s a natural part of growing up. It helps to remember that when teens navigate their small part of the world, they’re learning how to navigate the much bigger world when they’re adults.

I remember a story from my first psychology professor in college, who also doubled as the school’s baseball coach. One of his players said to him, “We like you because you’re not just a coach. You’re our friend.”

“I’m not your friend,” the coach said. “I’m friendly. There’s a difference.”

That’s the parent’s role with teens as well. Our first job as parents is to make sure our children make it to adulthood feeling safe, secure, and confident that they can operate in the world. So sometimes it’s our job to make them mad, and sometimes it’s our job to listen to how much they hate us. That cuts deep occasionally, but it’s part of the process.

In time, it will get better. Ben Franklin once said his father got a lot smarter between the time Ben was 15 and 25. Of course, his dad didn’t really get smarter. Ben just became more aware.

Don’t worry. That should happen for you, too.

(Carl Grody, LISW-S, specializes in child, adolescent, and family therapy. His practice, Grody Family Counseling, is located in Worthington, Ohio. He’s a trained group leader in the Incredible Years parenting program, and he’s also the family therapy columnist for Columbus Parent magazine.  For an appointment, call Carl at 614-477-5565.)